feitclub

Ever since I heard of Miami Connection, a low-budget 80s film resurrected on DVD last year, I have been dying to see it. Imagine my surprise when I was told it’s on Netflix Instant right now.

You should watch it right now.

Reasons? OK.

• Ninjas interrupt a cocaine deal before the title even hits the screen.
• The movie is called Miami Connection but the most of the film takes place in Central Florida. I guess no one would want to watch Orlando Connection.
• The central conflict of the film is not about drugs but about bands competing for a gig. Violently.
• The fight scenes are both competent and absurd at the same time. Random moments of slow-motion highlight hits as well as misses.
• The kicker? After an entire movie driven by guys fighting each other, the film ends with a message of non-violence.

Is this a case of so-bad-it’s-good? I wouldn’t say that. Obviously, some elements of the film are laughable: the martial arts star at the center of the Dragon Sound band is unintelligible, the narrative is largely disjointed, and the movie only reaches 86 minutes thanks to extended music-video-like scenes that fill precious time.

But Miami Connection lacks the pathetic feeling that looms over truly terrible films like The Room and Birdemic. Instead, I was impressed by how well a movie put together by a novice held together.

I suppose nostalgia is also a factor. I don’t know if the filmmakers deliberately set out to create a 1980s time capsule but they sure as fuck did just that. The costumes, the music, all of it perfectly captured by an amateur writer/director who just wanted to make a movie about taekwondo.

So I loved Miami Connection. You should watch it! Do you have Netflix? Here, click this and watch it now.

“3 Ghosts” is such a bland, if accurate, title. I would expect nothing less of Japan.

(via fortninety)

Multisensory Version of Iron Man 3 in Japan Is a Gimmicky Waste of $28 | Underwire | Wired.com

Wired asked me to go to Nagoya just to see the new 4DX showing of Iron Man 3. You can read my detailed thoughts at Wired Underwire (link above) but the short version is: 4DX is dumb, perhaps irreparably so.

There’s a reason amusement park rides don’t last two hours, and it’s not just because the lines would stretch on for eternity. It’s because people can only take enough jolts and shocks before it becomes routine. Even if this tech was being used for tailor-made films designed with the rockin’ seats and water spritzes in mind (which it is NOT), I have my doubts that after thirty or forty minutes the whole thing wouldn’t become tedious.

However, I’m not one to give up hope. When video games first started using rumbling controllers, it sucked. Over time, and with refinement of the technology, it became something interesting. Of course the big difference here is that it doesn’t cost an extra $10 to play a game with rumble, and I don’t love eating popcorn while I play video games.

patrickcotnoir:

MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED

Doesn’t hold up to scrutiny (in Kill Bill, Beatrix used that “deadliest woman in the world” line to describe Vernita) but still awesome.

And I love that Julie Dreyfus is simply smiling.

(via wilwheaton)

ryannorth:

It feels crazy that I have to say this, but I would pay good money for a version of Red Letter Media’s reviews that didn’t feature all those added scenes where, you know women get kidnapped and murdered.  

It’s like you sit down in front of these feature-length reviews of Star Wars and Star Trek films and you think, hey, wow!  Here is some really well-thought-out commentary on the structure and content of narratives that’s incredibly entertaining, insightful AND funny, I’m gonna share this with my mothe— oh wait, no, here’s a scene where we watch the reviewer gas a kidnapped woman to death and here’s one where a prostitute tied up in the basement begs for her life and here’s one where he shows us how he murdered his wife.

There’s some great filmic insights here, all baked together with scenes of women (it’s always women) about to be murdered that do absolutely nothing except to maybe make you laugh?  Because look that one woman is begging that her life be spared and saying she’ll do anything!  Hah hah hah that IS a good one!!

It’s so frustrating because the actual review parts verge on brilliant, and I keep thinking “oh, they’ll definitely cut out the violence towards women played for laughs in the next video” but noooooooooooope.

tl;dr: internet, what is wrong with you

The worst thing Red Letter Media ever did was give life to the Mr Plinkett character. Their well-reasoned insight doesn’t need a narrative about a creepy guy who kills (and rapes?) women.

[INTERIOR: The elder Mr. Yamada’s office, where he sits at his desk. Tanaka enters]

[INTERIOR: The elder Mr. Yamada’s office, where he sits at his desk. Tanaka enters with a young woman behind him]

Yamada: Thank you for coming.

Tanaka: No no, thank you for inviting me.

Yamada: No no, you are very busy, I appreciate it.

[Three minutes of apologetic pleasantries later…]

Tanaka: If you don’t mind, I’ve asked Kimura-san here to sit in on today’s meeting. She’s a recent graduate of Waseda University and one of our top new recruits.

Kimura: It is my humble pleasure to be here and I hope you will allow me the pleasure of working for hours on end each day for your prestigious company!* [deep bow]

Yamada: Welcome, Kimura-san. Can you bring us some tea?

Kimura: Yes, sir! Right away sir! [exits]

Y: Alright Tanaka, I know you’ve been hard at work on The Avengers’ Japanese premier but we’ve already got another big campaign to spearhead. It’s the latest spy action thriller, The Bourne Legacy.

T: Ahh, Matt Damon! I’ll make some calls to the usual folks, he’s always been willing to eat Japanese food and smile on television in the past…

Y: Sorry, he’s not in this picture.

T: There’s a new Bourne movie but Matt Damon’s not in it? Who’s the star?

Y: Jeremy Renner.

T: Never heard of him. Have Japanese audiences seen him before?

Y: Actually he has a number of hit movies on his resume. Hurt Locker, Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, The Avengers…

T: Oh, which Avenger was he? [Kimura returns with tea for two, sits down]

Y: He was the one we replaced with a Japanese comedian.

T: Ahh, well, we needed to sell that one somehow. Why don’t we just do that again for this new picture?

Y: If Jeremy Renner is starring in his own movies, I don’t think we can keep pretending he doesn’t exist.

T: Oh, yes, of course. OK, how about this: rather than replace him, we simply supplant him with a Japanese actress.

Y: Supplant?

T: Yes, these movies always have a woman running next to Bourne, right? We make a point of hiring a beautiful actress to dub that character’s lines, then we can just direct all the press attention to her. They’ll write stories about her dress and her love life and how sexy she is and in all the photos they take of her, the movie poster will just be in the background. Hell, maybe no one will notice Matt Damon’s not in the picture until they’re already in the theaters. But the audience has already paid at that point, so our job is done.

Y: Tanaka-san, it almost sounds like you’re designing our entire promotional campaign around deceiving our customers.

T: Oh, um, well, is that…illegal?

Y: Not at all! It’s brilliant. Great job, as usual. Oh, Kimura-san?

K: Yes sir?

Y: Now that we’ve come to our decision, I have a question for you.

K: Absolutely sir! Do you need me to get demographic information on potential actresses for this campaign, or do you want to know what experience I’ve had working on…

Y: No, no, I was just wondering if we could have more tea.

~完~

*In Japanese: よろしくおねがいします！

[Interior of a Japanese office. The older, and therefore wiser and infinitely more capable of leadership Yamada sits at his desk. Tanaka enters]

Yamada: Thank you for coming.

Tanaka: No no, thank you for inviting me.

Yamada: No no, you are very busy, I appreciate it.

[Five minutes of formalities later…]

Y: Tanaka-san, this is it.

T: Oh?

Y: The big one. The Avengers. It’s opening in just a few more weeks.

T: Ahhh, The Avengers! That was a huge worldwide hit months ago!

Y: I know, but that was months ago. Here in Japan we’re going to need an all-new campaign to remind people that this movie is finally in theaters.

T: Maybe we can use the superhero characters in some way. Who’s in The Avengers? Superman?

Y: No no, The Avengers is Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man, Thor…

T: Saw?*

Y: Er, from Mighty Thor

T: Wow, Tadanobu Asano? That’s perfect! We can run ads that make it look like the movie is all about his character, Mighty Thor.

Y: No, Asano-san wasn’t the star of Mighty Thor. He’s not in The Avengers at all.

T: Wow, that’s too bad. Wait, did you say Iron Man? What about Robert Downey Jr.? Can he promote the film on Japanese TV? I’m sure I can find a slot for him to eat food and talk about why he likes Japan on any number of prime-time programs.

Y: Unfortunately, he used to take drugs so there would be immigration issues…

T: Say no more! His opinion is invalid forever.

Y: Anyway, we need to go big on this. The slogan we’ve been using is “Japan, this is a movie.”**

T: Wow. That is big. [pause] OK, I’ve got something.

Y: Yes?

T: We use a comedian. One who’s already doing lots of commercials. Get him to dub over one of the heroes, then we act like he’s the star.

Y: Tanaka-san, are you listening to me? This is the biggest film release in years. To just hire a comedian like we always do…

T: Yamada-san, I’m not finished.

Y: Oh? I’m sorry. You were saying?

T: I was saying, we use a comedian…AND we use a second comedian.

Y: Tanaka-san…

T: [standing up] And the second comedian DRESSES UP AS GAY GEORGE WASHINGTON.

Y: Are you…

T: And then we surround them with KIDS! And MASCOTS! And that robot clown from Osaka! All to ensure that the entire promotion focuses on familiar Japanese icons and glosses over anything and everything that makes The Avengers unique! [collapses, out of breath]

Y: Tanaka-san, are you finished?

T: [panting] Yes.

Y: Tanaka-san, that’s the most ingenious idea you’ve ever had. I can think of no better way to sell our customers foreign films while cloaking them in Japanese-ness so that they don’t notice how awful our domestic films look in comparison.

T: [still out of breath] Thank you, sir. Would you mind if I went to the hospital? I feel dizzy; I think I winded myself just now.

Y: Oooh, now? There’s still so much work to be done, and it’s so early…

T: [glances at wall clock, 37 minutes past 9 P.M.] Oh my, you’re right. I’ll get back to my desk immediately. Sorry.

Y: Thank you. Good work on this. I’m sure the hospital can wait until Sunday. Er, not this Sunday, the next Sunday. After the movie opens.

~完~

*Due to katakana limitations, both “Saw” and “Thor” are rendered the same in Japanese: “so” (ソー). Hence Thor was released as Mighty Thor to avoid confusion.

**Not joking. In Japanese: 「日本よ、これが映画だ」

Blade Runner is 30 years old and I don’t have a lot to say about it. I never saw it when I was young, rented it once or twice as an adult and never understood why people carry on about it quite so much. A recent cable airing of the supposed “complete” version caught my eye and was good, but I seem to have missed the window to fall in love with this picture.

John Carpenter’s The Thing is also 30 years old. Yes, two cult sci-fi films opened on the same weekend in 1982. Weird. I never saw it as a kid and that’s good because it would have given me nightmares. Thankfully, by the time I saw it as a grownup I could appreciate its amazing special effects work and look past the tremendous gore. Here is a podcast about the movie that does not feature me at all, but that’s OK.

Spaceballs is 25 years old today and barring a miracle along the order of the parting of the Red Sea, it will stand as Mel Brooks’ final funny film. What a way to go out! As a kid who loved Mel Brooks as well as Star Wars, Star Trek and the like, this was the best movie I saw in 1987. Something I never noticed until ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER pointed it out on Twitter: Dark Helmet’s necktie looks like a dick with balls.

Dragnet is 25 years old, which means two comedy films opened against each other this week in 1987. That film deserves little respect but man oh man do I miss the days when Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks could share the screen together as comedy equals.

One week late on this, but Batman Returns is 20 years old. In hindsight, everything that went wrong with the Batman films to follow was already running rampant here, but it was so slickly presented (and well marketed) that I don’t think anyone my age noticed. I still maintain that Danny Elfman’s score holds up to this day, and I cannot listen to the song from the ballroom scene without getting chills.

Oh yeah, and Minority Report came out ten years ago. Anyone else think that cool-as-fuck futuristic computer-gesture interface Tom Cruise used in that film is coming out sooner rather than later? If nothing else, the “smart ads” that offer passerby specialized content are surely in a lab somewhere as we speak.

Yamada: Thank you for coming.

Tanaka: No no, thank you for inviting me.

Yamada: No no, you are very busy, I appreciate it.

[Remaining 10 minutes of apologies omitted for brevity’s sake]

Y: The reason I’ve asked you to come in today is we’ve got a new project. It’s a big-budget Hollywood movie called TOTAL RECALL.

T: With Shuwa-chan?* I saw that on TV a few months ago…

Y: No, no Shuwa-chan. This is a remake. We need a brand-new ad campaign to get the word out on this science-fiction thriller.

T: Are there any Japanese actors in the film?

Y: No.

T: Wow, this is going to be a tough sell!

Y: Yes, I think so too.

T: Wait a sec, I’ve got it: An old man in a spacesuit!

Y: I’m listening.

T: Not just any old man, either. I’m confident we can get the same old man who appears in dozens of other commercials!

Y: Now you’re talking! This is going to be fantastic. Nothing says “suspense” and “action” like a 65-year-old man standing in a room dressed like an astronaut.

T: Especially when that same old man is already on television all day! Our ads will be completely unremarkable, save for the spacesuit.

Y: You’ve outdone yourself. Let’s celebrate over drinks tonight.

T: Yes, let’s. Anything to avoid going home to my family.

*Arnold Schwarzenegger’s nickname in Japan. Seriously.