feitclub

This started as an email response to a podcast I heard this week but I decided to post it on my blog. Not enough people talk about dealing with depression (for reasons the host colorfully described) but at this point, I’ve got little reason to hide from my past. If anything, sharing stories like this could really help someone dealing with the same issues.

I was stunned when I heard a discussion of depression on the last Miranda’s Sweets Shop podcast. I had the exact same reservations the host did about taking medication - what if it changes who I am? - although in the end I took the pills and simply felt better. At the time, my doctor made the following analogy: if you are sick, and the doctor gives you a pill that will fight the infection, do you worry about how that pill will change you? No, you take it because you want to get better. It’s overly simplistic, I know, but I can recall taking my first pill and within hours I knew I had made the right choice. The effects were that fast. The only thing that changed about me was that I stopped feeling so awful.

Actually, scratch that: everything changed for the better. Within a few months of starting the medication, I went to Japan for the first time. Shortly after coming home I applied for a transfer at work to get away from the people I felt were mistreating me (but not the job, that took more courage than I had). During the following year, I took the necessary steps to restart my education at night school so I could finally get a degree. When school and work collided, I told the dead-end job to take a hike. That was 2004, and I’ve been on a roll ever since: college, study abroad, girlfriend, JET Program, graduation, engagement, move to Japan, marriage, baby, writing, and a new house!

I wasn’t on medication for that entire run. Hell, the meds only lasted a year and a half, tops, which means most of the changes took place long after the pills stopped. But the impetus to change my entire life was born (or at least conceived) while I was taking anti-depressants. That cannot be a coincidence.

Am I “better”? In the sense that my overall mood and outlook on life has improved, most certainly. In the sense that I am “all better” as in cured, I couldn’t really say. I still have a tendency to get into bad moods with little provocation. I have a temper. It’s easy for me to look at the people around me who seem to be happier/more successful/more attractive/etc and start sulking. And from time to time I still have to face a lot of uncertain feelings because my father has passed away.

But I have a good memory. I remember how bad things were in high school and I remember the frustration I felt before I started medication. The issues I have right now are nowhere near those depths. I can’t read minds, but right now I feel my moods are…normal. No one’s happy every moment of every day. Even those people I see laughing all the time with lots of money, friends, or prestige, they’ve got their own issues to worry about.

And somewhere there’s a guy or girl looking at me with my steady job, loving family, and new house, etc, and wondering if I’m happy all the time and how I do it. I hope they get to read this.